Once Upon an Inbox

You know you’re a Mum when working one day a week feels like a mini break.  At not one point during the day do any of my colleagues insist on supervising me while I pee and even the snapping sound of a locking door feels like a reason for throwing a teeny tiny little party in my head.

Indeed, there are several small factors that I miss greatly when I swivel one last time on my desk chair and bid farewell to my organised paperwork each week. But, perhaps highest on that list, is the one thing that I’ve found to be the rhythmic pulse of many, many workplaces.

Not teamwork. Not initiative. Not achievement. (Please, I gave birth to two posterior babies, I care not for the accomplishment of business problem solving. Assemble a team that can get my kids in bed on time and I’ll be impressed).

No, no, no. I’m talking of course about the golden cherub that is Office Gossip.

Ripe and juicy this time of year with Christmas party antics and end of year revelations.

Like so many office minions before me, my pre-children work day would commence with the efficient perusing of ones emails, poised and waiting for a gem of insight that would provide the topic of the day.

To: PreMummy Dee

From: Miss K

Subject: Thinking of cutting my hair??

New HR temp in office wearing yesterday’s clothes. Arrived late. As did head of HR. Both worked late yesterday.

Concerning.

Have you got much on today?

To: Miss K   

From: PreMummy Dee

Subject: We talking Bangs or Bob?

Indeed concerning. But to whom could you report it to ;)

Have three meetings but if I sit here typing, all will assume I’m busy and leave me alone. Feel free, nay, obligated, to update me at 5 minute intervals.

Oh how I would rush with adrenaline when that little smoky box magically appeared at the bottom of the screen and made that delicious bleeping ‘New Mail’ sound.

News is in! Someone wants to talk to me! Someone has something to talk about! Alas, I have just dropped half a Tim Tam in my coffee and desperately need to express my disapproval RIGHT NOW! Click, click, click. Type, type, type.

My current employers however, are not as lenient when it comes to pausing for coffee and a snippet of indulgent information. They insist on 24/7 attention and any attempt at holding broken conversations is immediately swatted by their ability to poop on demand or spill strawberry pulp on the sofa.

These days, the only reflection I have on those times is when my iPhone pauses briefly on the dock mid Wiggle’s tune, and signals that Miss K has something she wishes to share with me. I wave towards it longingly as I continue to twirl about in Fairy wings, one hand cradling a shrieking bundle and the other pinned with sticky hands to another dancing Sprite. 

But, even if I was able to put all this on hold for a brief moment, the reciprocal expectations of my fellow gossipers would be left unsatisfied.

What on earth would I have to report back with? Miss Boo remembered to wash her hands after using the toilet? Miss Moo managed to sleep for 4 straight hours? I’ve discovered a floor polish that smells like Jasmine? A two way street this is no more.

(Actually, I personally was thrilled to bits by all of those items.)

In lieu of any substantial information flow, I have been forced now to make up my own little circle of characters and liven them up to match my previous level of playing field. 

To: Miss K

From: Mummy Dee

New girl. Snow. Bit preppy for my liking. Keeps rambling on about her boyfriend and breaks into spontaneous song several times a day which to be honest, is nothing short of distracting. Plus, and this is just between us, I heard that she was living with, like, SEVEN other guys when she met this new one. Seven. She says that she just looked after them etc etc but I heard they were all Gemologists so really, when you deal with diamonds one would assume you could afford a maid?

Also, desperate need of a spray tan.

Do like her shade of lippy though.

To: Miss K

From: Mummy Dee

I’m about 94% certain that this blonde in the office is keeping mice in her desk draw. Seriously, she’s a bit of a nutter.

I heard that not only did she leave her previous work place under less than amicable terms, but that her employers were her family!

If your own family doesn’t want you working there then really, questions need to be asked about this chick’s sanity.

Also, she keeps coming to work with one shoe on.

I think they only keep her on because she’s willing to work up until midnight.

To: Miss K

From: Mummy Dee

Belle brought her hubby to work drinks last night. Super nice guy, but seriously punching above his weight.

Wonder if they met online?

To: Miss K

From: Mummy Dee

That red head from upstairs also came out for drinks last night. Nice and all but doesn’t say much.

Drinks like a fish though.

To: Miss K

From: Mummy Dee

Can’t chat much today, need to do Aurora's presentation, she slept in again.

Poor thing, narcolepsy must suck L

To: Miss K

From: Mummy Dee

Dying to know what shampoo that girl from the graphic department uses. Have you SEEN her hair?

As soon as I ask though she just goes on and on about how much her boyfriend likes it and how strong it is. After that it just sounds kinky and weird.

To: Miss K

From: Mummy Dee

OMG, work Christmas party on Friday… that girl in my office snogged yet another loser. Why on earth does she insist on randomly making out with all these toads?

Although, I must say, I thought her last boyfriend was horrid at first but by the time she finished with him he had actually turned out to be quite a decent catch. Shame he ran off with that girl Lily.

To: Miss K

From: Mummy Dee

Argh, the big boss Thomas just walked in and is screeching on about something.

Why does he come to our department every time he wants to blow off some steam???

Might take a while, talk to you later xx

Yes, these days the gossip I enjoy the most is usually the stuff I ‘elaborate’ on my own. But really… isn’t that just what all good gossip is?

…but you didn’t hear it from me.