Pre Baby Body – A Eulogy.

Dearest friends and loved ones,

It is with great sadness and grief that we gather here today to farewell our beloved comrade, The Pre Baby Body.

Taken from us all too soon, we look with disbelief in the mirror each morning and question, why. 

No longer will we look upon the approaching warmer seasons with excitement, instead we will concede with a heavy heart that swimming tracksuits are yet to be invented.

The stages of grief rally around us, bargaining with emotional desperation; oh, if only we could have The Pre Baby Body back for one more day. Just one… where the disposable boyfriends of our past and the women we so bitterly disliked in high school are present.

Just once more would we like to swish about in a store fitting room, tossing up between colour choices alone. Not running in screaming terror from a store that has, gasp, communal mirrors.

Those of us lucky enough to have been graced with its presence will be replaying our history. The vivid retrospect of highlights that we are sitting here relaying in our minds, fuels the anguish of today. Why were we not better to it? Why did we not appreciate it more when it was here? Why is there not more photo evidence of our previous bikini moments? Why, oh why did we think during pregnancy that eating ice cream for all three meals was without its consequences? 

But let us not drown in the could-of-would-of, let us reflect on our time together with happiness and gratitude. 

Let us remember the times when our nipples were not close acquaintances of our belly button. The times when sitting down in a chair didn’t necessitate tucking in laps of overhanging skin rolls.

Think fondly of the days when we waved only with our fingertips and not with the pelican beak sagging from our arms. The days when our chin was an only child.

How I will miss the times clicking about in stilettos was the enjoyable option, and not a task that was painfully undertaken purely for the advantage of thinning out ones ankles.

I will hold in my heart the memory of being able to bend down to the floor and retrieve a fallen object with fluid, silent swiftness, as I now look down the barrel of a future where I would rather buy a new toy for the child, than reach groaning to the floor to reclaim one.

Pre Baby Body, our time with you has reached a close. This is a certainty we can not undo. 

Rather than draw the curtains of darkness across the lives you’ve left behind, let us wipe the tears from our bagged eyes and march on with bravery.

Look to the gifts that have been left in Pre Baby Body’s wake. The facts that shine little lights after this tragedy;

We no longer need waste fake tan on any part of our midriff regions.

When lying down, our breasts can now double as a back pillow.

There is no known maternity bra that would be able to be concealed beneath a midriff anyway.

The only worry surrounding a Friday night’s outfit is ‘are my pyjama’s washed?’

And, of course, the fortune we shall save on provocative lingerie now that we can use stretch marks and night feeds as an effective contraception.

Yes, dear Pre Baby Body, even if you could be with here with us today, the harsh reality remains that if I were to parade you in a pair of hot pants and a boobtube, someone would inevitably look at us and say, “Mum! Eww, go and change. You’re a Mum now!”

So, we say good bye to you Pre Baby Body. We know you will be looking down on us and smiling, because looking directly down is now our only good angle.

And, I know that when we see that girl walk into yoga wearing tights and a midriff baring top, you are the voice of reason that will whisper  ‘we had our time, let that bitch, I mean, that girl have hers…’

Rest In Petite-ness.